You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
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Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Strangers have the best candy.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?