@LuvPug

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

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@_elvishpresley_

Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!

Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—

Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM

@noog

*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”

@Havish_AF

Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.

@TweetPotato314

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

@Browtweaten

*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH

@zachreinert0

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

@Ideal_Victoria

I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.

@StarWarsProblms

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

@flashember

[my first day as an art teacher]

“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”

(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)