Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
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*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)