You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
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me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Whisper out to librarians!
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑