You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
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GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating