@RS3Feed I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
@kelkulus You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
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@RS3Feed 
@JohnLyonTweets Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
@TheToddWilliams [date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
@DrunjAF …and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
@dave_cactus WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
@jonnysun in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
@yungshepherdboy [walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
@FatherWithTwins People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
@sofarrsogud My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
@RobertManchild [uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]