You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
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Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”