You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
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[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
What do you hear?
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
All. The. Damn. Time.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.