“you changed” bro i was 15
You Might Also Like
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I am absolutely never leaving this website
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
LA today:
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question