“you changed” bro i was 15
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Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around