“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
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her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.