You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
You Might Also Like
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
I missed you with all my darts
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
“TGIM!” – My liver
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.