You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
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Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.