“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
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I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
*pronounces patio like ratio
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way