YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
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My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
buying dead houseplants to save time
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?