You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
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Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
everywhere a sign. ⚠️