You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
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the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
translated into Canadian
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
#TopTip
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies