you could not pay me to delete this app
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sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about