You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
You Might Also Like
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
why no one uses midhusbands
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”