Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you

Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?

Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?

emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”

It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.

On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first

Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)

Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind

Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

[2 monkeys in a bath]

Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!

Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in

[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.