You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
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You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
What if the weather talks about us?
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade