you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
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Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.