You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
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Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop