You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
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COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.