“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
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I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
🤣dope
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.