You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
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I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone