“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
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Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now