You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
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Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.