You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
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one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Goat cheese is for herders.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.