You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
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Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*