You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
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[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.