“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”

-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time

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If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…


No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator


“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer


[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here


(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”


good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me


Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7


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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.


My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.