You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
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Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news