You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
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DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”