“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
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Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Meow
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.