Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.

HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done

tell em, edith-anne

Me: give me all the brisket you have

Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.

my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager

Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*

Satan:

Me:

Satan: Give it back…

DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog

Breaking news:

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent

My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.

[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.

H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.

Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!

FRED: right

I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”

hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ

Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.

Millennials: we share all of our feelings.

Gen X: feelings?

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?

Duck typos.

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.