The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
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At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁