You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
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Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Hard not to take this personally
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose