“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
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Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
the dark web is just a goth google.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
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OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:![]()
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN