You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
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Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”