You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
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Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.