You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
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“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit