@JimmerThatisAll

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.

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@betulesairafi

I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.

@2tickytacky

I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?

@Home_Halfway

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.

@CAshmanActor

her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?

@robin_991

Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.

@Breadery

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

@thomas_violence

(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂

@topaz_kell

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.