Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.

the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow

insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

Me too 😆

If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity

Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.

It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.

Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…

Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?

My neopet probably thinks I’m dead

Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?

paddle faster i hear baby shark

I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names

ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won