You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
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Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!