You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
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“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?