You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
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one last job
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd