HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
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[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”