You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
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[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
A wise man once said nothing.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy