You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
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“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep