You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
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[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter