You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
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Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Friday night party time 🥳
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries