You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
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Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Kids, do not try this at home!
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.