You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
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Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY