You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
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“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
I have obtained a hat
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.