You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
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My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat