You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
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doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
It be like that sometimes 😆
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]